|
[27 May 2009|01:24am] |
why is life so hard? why does love suck so much? why do i keep letting myself fall for the wrong guy and get in way too deep. all it does is leave me disappointed, depressed, and a little bit colder.
what's the point? i mean, we live our whole lives earching for something that can make us happy. and we end up settling with one thing for a while and then need to move on. at least, i do. or rather they do and try desperately to hold on as long as possible before i finally have to admit they're gone.
what's it for? what really happens at the end? do we end up with all the people we've loved and lost? or is it just over? do our souls get put into a new body, with a tiny little recognition or rememberance of our lives before?
and for that matter, how much our lives are predetermined? and if we do come back, is it a whole new set of predeterminations or simply a continuation of the previous one?
how many of our choices really matter and how many of them were decided long before we even had the option of choosing? so i guess technically, we may never have choices, just the perception that we do.
what does it matter, what does any of it matter if you don't have someone to share it with?
|
|
|
[23 May 2009|01:44pm] |
i don't really understand how i can imagine such an amazing life, when really, i'm struggling.
i want to see you so bad. but the timing's never right, there's too many people around, you're too private about intimacy...is it me? are you just embarrassed to be seen with me? and if you are, why keep this up so long? i haven't seen you since october but yo ustill insist you want me and you need me around and you want to see me. you say you don't do relationships but you want to try it with me...
i think it's over before it started.
i always fall for the losers. i fall for the guys who don't notice me. i fall for the guys who completely forget about me. i fall for you. too many times.
please, commit to me or let me go. i can't take the waiting and wishing anymore.
|
|
|
[13 Feb 2009|06:57pm] |
you were never mine to love. and i don't think you ever knew how deep it went.
but i still loved you. and i think i always will.
|
|
|
[11 Jan 2009|03:57am] |
the night is silent, apart from the tea kettle with its soft bubble and the wind against my windows. i hear coyotes in the distance, my dog echoes with growls, and i imagine a vast wilderness, open for exploring and the fear of the unknown creeping in.
it's peaceful. it's dark in my house, dark outside, but the snow shimmers where it's kissed by moonlight. i love being up at night. it's the time when i can sift through my life, when i can pick things apart and inspect them, in the dark. i can open my heart and find those dreams and wishes i hide away.
it's so late now, i can hear my family breathing in their sleep. i can hear the house breathing, moving with the wind. i feel my heart unlock and spill out all the things i want, and the things i've tried to forget. i yearn for so much. i ache to be someone new. i tell myself, here in the dark, surrounded by the lonely night that i will greet the new day and be changed. i will be happier, at least content for now, and confident.
but the dawn is coming, late changes to early, and with the creeping light, and the disappearing silver sparkle of the moon, my dreams fade into the sky. i see my wilderness for what it is, a foret preserve in the middle of suburbia. i'll catch a few hours of sleep, maybe. i'll gather up everything inside me and lock it away, waiting for the safe darkness of night to reveal it again. i'll wait for the night.
the vast darkness i can find, even here, terrifies me. but, it makes me feel safe enough to reveal myself, if only to me. i can hide in the shadow, and watch the glisten of light from there.
maybe one day, i'll find the strength to embrace the light, and dance in it. maybe someone will show me how. for now, i'll enjoy my lonely peace in the silent, cold night and ignore the coming dawn.
|
|
| resolutions |
[07 Jan 2009|02:02am] |
1) live for yourself, not everyone else
2) find things to be happy about, there are so many around you
3) fix the things you can't stand
4) let it go
|
|
|
[17 Dec 2008|08:39am] |
i don't want to pretend anymore.
i don't want to pretend i like you. i don't want to pretend i'm happy. i don't want to pretend i like where i am.
i don't want to be polite to you because social standards compell me to. i'm fucking tired and i need someone. i need something.
i need to feel like it's all real again. i don't want to lie, or hide it, and say i don't miss you and the way things were senior year. i'd rather be friends with only you and talk to only you few than have the superficial obligatory aquaintances here.
there have only been a few times in my life when i have been truly happy. i honestly think i was happiest when i was with all of you. i talk to maybe three people who i truly care about, but i think about you all.
i wonder if you all ever wonder about me. i wonder if i made any impact on your life remotely close to the one you made on mine. you all made me feel like someone truly cared, and that for even a second i was important.
now, the people i surround myself with would care less if i stopped showing up to class. sure, they'd be curious at first, but a few well placed rumors around my disappearance, and in a week i'd be forgotten. the way loren was.
how do you know who your friends truly are?
my sister is without a doubt my closest and most dependable friend. do you have to go through periods of hating each other, like we did growing up, before you realize how much you really need someone? does is all have to do with separation? being apart from you has made me realize how much i really want to be in your company.
i'm tired of pretending. i'm tired of acting like i know exactly how i feel all the time. and i'm tired of dealing with people who i try to change to be more like one of you.
come back to me. and remember how much fun we had. remember how much we loved to laugh, to dance, to drink. remember taking long walks in the middle of the night, and ending with an innocent kiss. remember talking to you all night in my car, because i didn't want to go inside and break the magic i felt there. remember singing at the top of our lungs, no matter what the song.
remember me.
please.
|
|
|
[17 Dec 2008|08:30am] |
isn't it ridiculous that after all this time, after all this waiting, after all the guys in between that i still want you?
isn't it insane that the one amazing night we spent together gets replayed in my head on a nearly constant loop? after nearly three months?
isn't it mad that if i don't see you before you leave, i'll probably cry? and i know i'll be so ashamed of it, i'll cry even harder.
isn't it unfair that we both felt something so special and neither one of us seems to have the strength to follow through?
isn't it crazy that i almost fell in love with you?
|
|
|
[07 Dec 2008|11:10am] |
i put myself out on a limb for you. i'm still sitting out there, waiting.
i'm trying so hard not to be angry at you, i'm trying so hard to understand and accept why you are like this.
and i'm having a really hard time of it.
i want to believe you. with everything i am i want to believe. but when you never follow through on anything you say, and my roommate is constantly trying to convince me otherwise, and i don't hear from you because of some lame excuse you have that i will totally accept because i like you...i stop believing for a bit.
you've got to give me something or let me go. i'm so close to giving up.
|
|
| hello my old friends. |
[16 Nov 2008|04:56pm] |
i always forget this exists until some catalytic event happens that makes me want to write.
i find myself in a strange place. halfway between guilty and pathetically depressed. with a dash of happiness at times. and utter loneliness, though i'm surrounded by people.
|
|
|
[27 Oct 2008|11:32am] |
it really hurts to be cast aside like that and forgotten.
you didn't even give me a chance.
so much for respect.
|
|
|
[04 Dec 2007|12:45am] |
i write all these things in my notebook, and i realize no one will ever read them. and then i go back to them and they seem so contrived and annoying. but one sticks out, always. and i thought maybe i should share it.
'i don't want to love you. i really don't, but i can't bring myself to stop. it hurts and i don't want to put myself through this agony anymore. but still, when i close my eyes i can see myself in your arms. i see myself as part of your life...it seems like lately you don't want me there. in any way. what happened? what did i say or do to make you forget me in such a sudden way? it's like we're not even friends anymore. and it really bothers me. but i cannot be the one to call you. i cannot let it always be me. i cannot be the only one who realizes that friendships take work. i can't.'
it's emo, and old, and stupid. but it's still true.
i really like livejournal. it's a good way, i realized, to get connected with the people i don't really see or talk to anymore. i still like you, love some of you. and it's really nice to see what's going on in your lives, so thank you for not letting this site die.
|
|
|
[10 Nov 2007|09:21pm] |
i don't know how to feel about this. i don't know if this is good. this could be a slippery slope and me settling. i don't really like him, and i'm using him to ignore the pain you left me with. this isn't right. this isn't good. this isn't what i want.
but i know i won't stop it...
i want to puke.
|
|
|
[24 Sep 2007|08:49pm] |
i know it's bad. i know. but don't you reaize some of us aren't strong. when i do it, i don't do it to be part of the crowd, i don't do it for fun.
i do it for the chance that someday i will possibly find a glimpse of the clarity you have. i was in love with you. i loved your ways of preching without meaning to, in love with your subtle digs at my 'oh so tragic' life. i was in love.
but, now i get it. you don't want me. and i don't want you anymore. because i could never be enough. i could never live to lofty expectations you set for everything in your life. i have passion, but yours exhausts me.
it's time for me to move out and grow up. silly love is supposed to be in the past, we're on our own now right? perhaps i just haven't had my heart broken enough times for it to realize life isn't fair.
life isn't fair. life is different for everyone. and i'm sorry that i can't be as virtuous as you. i'm sorry i can't be as sober as you. i can't be as passionate as you and i can't be as oblivious as you. i always thought you were an observant one, noticing all the beauty around you. but, if you never realized how much i wanted to be with you, i incredibly misjudged you.
i have to say, i'm disappointed. in myself really. i can't help it. i just keep looking for that clear glass to view my life, so far all i've found is frosted.
|
|
|
[05 Aug 2007|11:27pm] |
the long day is over. the night is ebbing and morning is on the horizon.
where will you be kid? i wish i was naive enough to have some faint belief that it will be next to me. that dreams will come true and you'll be holding me still when the sun creeps into my bed.
i wish things were that simple. i wish... i wish you knew my love for you extends so far beyond friends. so far beyond a casual conversation over rapidly cooling tea and dark coffee. but...
i want to know you better.
i want to love you better.
i want us to be better.
i want better!
matters of the heart are never easy but it seems like with you they are a thousand times more tangled. can't you just say no? can't you just make her see that i need you more and i can't live without your voice in my ear.
i need you to whisper, straight to me that i'm ok, that the world is alright and that you will always be here.
but i'm not that naive, and while i may wish it, deep inside myself, i won't ever let you know. i won't put the heavy burden of heartbreak on you when it's not your fault i fell in love with the person you are.
i love you. always and forever.
|
|
|
[13 Jan 2007|03:53am] |
|
there are so many things in my life that i have to be happy about and so many people in my life i appreciate. things are looking up.
|
|
| Smoke - Ben Folds. |
[03 Jan 2007|10:14am] |
Leaf by Leaf page by page
Throw this book away
All the sadness all the rage
Throw this book away
Rip out the binding, tear the glue
All of the grief we never ever knew
We had it all along
Now its smoke
The things we've written in it
Never really happened
All of the people come and gone
Never really lived
All of the people have come have gone
No one to forgive smoke
We will never write a new one
There will not be a new one
Another one, another one
Here's an evening dark with shame
Throw it on the fire
here's the time I took the blame
Throw it on the fire
Here's the time we didn't speak
it seemed for years and years
Here's a secret
No one will ever know the
reasons for the tears
They are smoke
Where do all the secrets live
They travel in the air
You can smell them when they burn
They travel
Those who say the past is not dead
Stop and smell the smoke
You keep on saying the past is not dead
Come on and smell the smoke
You keep saying the past is not even past
You keep saying
We are, smoke
truly musical genius....ben folds you never cease to amaze me.
|
|
| *sigh* |
[28 Dec 2006|12:37am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 annoyed |
] |
do you remember when we would swing away? when we would go barefoot and just let the wind rush over our exposed skin, tickling our senses and making our hair stand on end? when we would go as fast as we could just to get a breeze to feel some relief from the heat of summer? we would lay in the grass and play with the blades, or stare at the sky, our imaginations running wild like the clouds. we were naive, thinking something like that could last a lifetime, believing we would love each other forever. we had tea parties and KNEW we would grow up together, live across the street, know each other's children.
but the whistle screams and the steam over your cup moves away and it becomes hauntingly clear that those childhood dreams mean nothing now. the promises you made on the swings and in the grass are insignificant and lost forever. people change and move on. move forward. relationships have changed, are changing, will always change. some have broken, some become impossibly strong, and some, faded into nothingness.
something always happens that thrusts those long forgotten vows into the front of our minds and gives us false hopes of a perfect life. but...once something that serious is lost, we seldom find it again. friendships are the hardest things to repair, but still, he have hope. and isn't it naive? is it childish to believe things can always go back to the way they were? and if it is...how dangerous is it?
the most dangerous games we play with our maturity is acting like children, when we (and the topics of discussion) have far surpassed the simple days of childhood. people get hurt, and do not recover so quickly as when you didn't share a toy. people are changing, relationships are changing. but some people...some people stay the same. perhaps they are just behind the curve, or perhaps, for whatever reason, they are trying to hold on to some tiny thread from the easy times we all long for.
it's time to let go now. you talk about sex and drugs and politics with a saccharine, falsely sweet way and with undertones of sarcasm. you act like you understand the world and are on top of it. the world is hanging over you...how will you accept it? will you run to mom and dad and hope for their support?
or will you struggle like atlas, supporting the world on your shoulders and working out your own way to conquer it? will you allow it to crush you, or rise above, finding a pedastal to put it upon, and instead of supporting it, live in it?
grow up, and find a way to live in the world. and be an asset to it, not a villian.
|
|
|
[17 Aug 2006|02:01pm] |
i thought last night was going to be amazing. i thought it would be different and better than last time. i was hoping for a time like the few minutes we spent on stu's couch. for those few moments i felt so strongly that i was part of something full of love and support. all i wanted was to be part of something.
i didn't want a repeat of last summer and without even realizing it, i walked into the same trap. you changed everything last night. i lost so much respect for you and i don't think your sister is very happy either. i don't even know if i'll have the heartfelt goodbye i was expecting.
and don't even get me started on you. i know you're naive and you didn't know what you were getting yourself into, but honestly, even you should have been able to see how stupid that was. who knows, maybe in a few years this crazy night will turn into something wonderful and you two will end up geting married...
i just wish you didn't do things like this when all three of us are together. if you wanted time alone all you had to do was ask. i wouldn't have cared if you two started dating, i just wish you would have told me what was going on so last night wasn't so awkward.
i didn't think it was going to be you two....and me. it was our last night together. our last chance to show how much we really care and how much we love each other. by doing what you did and letting those things happen...letting me leave and walk around the sub in the middle of the night alone, letting me sleep on the couch, letting me sit out by the pool for ten minutes and letting me cuddle with myself...you changed everything.
i'll never look at you the same way and i'll never care for you as much as i did. everything is different now and surprisingly...i'm not that upset. i won't be missing you as much as i thought, and i don't need you as much as i told myself i did.
i'll be ok without you both. but was last nigiht really worth losing my respect, trust, and love?
|
|
|
[16 Aug 2006|11:18am] |
i'm sick....and tired...and just over it. things are changing, people who i've always had there to support me are leaving and it hurts to think there won't be any more impromptu hang sessions.
summer is coming to an end and with the beginning of this year comes the beginning of the end. high school is ending. it's time to step it up and take things into my own hands. i need to rely on myself now because you guys won't always be here.
it kills me that you're leaving. i know we'll stay friends and i know you know i love you but it still hurts more than anything. it hurts to know that when i need to see you and hug you, you won't be there. it hurts that anytime i need you, all i can do is listen to your voice. it hurts that you won't understand how things are anymore and it hurts that you won't be here.
it's natural...it's life and people grow up. people move on to bigger and better things. and i think what hurts the most is that you get to go first when i am so ready to go with you. where i am in my life right now does not coincide with where my life is centered. i want to move on, i want to leave, i want to grow up.
i'm so sick of high school drama and i'm so ready to move on. i've always been independent from my parents. i've always wanted to do my own thing and i'm so ready to be in charge of myself.
i HATE working in my dad's office everyday. i HATE the job i have to do and i HATE being fake everyday. i'm not happy. i'm not going to be happy being stuck at home. i'm not going to be happy being home at eleven and being in for the rest of the night.
i'm frustrated that your parents are so controlling. their hold on you is bothering me so much because my parents are so different. i'm frustrated that we're SO close anad we can't hang out when we want to because your parents make your decisions for me. i'm sick of sneaking around and trying to do everything i can do not to upset them because i want them to let you hang out with me the next time. i feel like i'm walking on eggshells everytime eleven o'clock rolls around. i wish you could just grow up and break away from them.
things are just annoying and naive...i'm so ready to move on.
|
|
|
[09 Aug 2006|10:50am] |
|
things have been so.....below average. i expected everything to be the same and completely static. but when you came back i realized that everything had changed. and it's always going to be changing and no matter how much we want it, it can never be how it was. and that scares me and makes me agnry and sad because i love you and i wish it could be as simple as it was before.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
embers__glow's journal